Failures in a Relationship Serve as Foundation for Success
The cold howl of hurt echoes through your phone. The daggers of revenge stab as recoil to emotional pain inflicted. There is light in the darkness of the court hall which you walk.
Relationships can be daunting. Often we devalue the basic social experiences which form the complicated ones we need. As a child we do not know how playing with other children will influence our joint ventures in business. Similar we do not recognize how a girl friend will play a role in serving as trustee in a trust. We overlook how our treatment of a spouse affects our ability to build lasting partnerships.
In each relationship components necessary to business exist. Life lessons taught through social context apply in business context. All business is social. All social interactions define business. I do not mean parties. I mean discussion, dialogue, relationship building and trust. These activities are independent of paper. Ink does not drive action nor does it edify accountability.
FAILURES TO DEFINE A RELATIONSHIP
In my past I failed to clearly define the term “wife” or “spouse”. I had no legal marriage for years. My spouse did not change her name. We had no ceremony. There was no real proposal. There were no witnesses. For six years she held a make shift engagement ring but no actual band. Through guilt I executed a voluntary declaration to qualify her for life insurance. I divorced on technicality because in Texas there was common law marriage. When we separated I believed no divorce was needed. I would just pay child support. This is what I thought. In Florida and many other states we had no legal marriage.
I rationalized it many ways. I had the best of intentions. The truth was I held fear and insecurities with things she did and was. Our relationship started out with personal feelings of guilt, sympathy and compassion. This is exactly how it ended. That was no way to start a relationship. Regardless of whether she was right or wrong I held fearful emotions. These emotions were due to certain actions. We often obsess over right and wrong. In our obsession we invalidate others’ feelings…which in itself is wrong.
I did not want to let her go but did not want to commit. I developed a “Situationship”. I held a situation where she was both my partner and wasn’t.
I was wrong. I only saw this in hindsight. It is easy to judge a battle from a mountain but near impossible to judge one when a person is stabbing at you in the face.
I knew her life with me was better than her past. I knew she did not come from much. I knew she was estranged from her family. Many did not even make efforts to know her until she was an adult. Ironically, I was there for her more than most of her family. Her mother let her be homeless at 16. I remember when she showed me her first jewelry gift from her father. She was 18. I found it amazing her father never purchased jewelry for her as a child. She still cherished the piece. She was resiliently optimistic. She was good at survival. I admired that about her. She had tenacity. She was genuine despite the betrayals she suffered from those closest to her. I marveled at her ability to be so happy despite all the bad in her life. This was especially true monetarily.
I told myself she had everything she lacked growing up. I provided every “thing” she needed. I did not curse, yell or be violent. She did not need to work. Emotionally there was not much to lack. Courtesy was always there but no real mark of conviction.
I said to myself, “This is good enough.”
Little did I know I would cause a great disservice to…myself?
Until COVID I lacked clarity. I could not view the relationship in perspective. Isolation can do many things. One of those things is called “Reflection”.
My failure to clearly identify, present and claim a woman in a defined relationship led to disorganized infrastructure in some business endeavors.
A big problem was I lacked clear definition of those closest to me in business.
FAILURE TO KEEP YOUR PERSONAL LIFE IN ORDER AFFECTS BUSINESS
Consistency is the most valuable trait in business. People often say, “It’s nothing personal it’s just business.”
The truth is people cannot act one way personally and another way in business without an inherent contradiction. People cannot pretend to be one way forever.
In my previous relationship, arguably the most important one, I set no clear definition. This resulted in a tendency to create “insecurities” with my partner. As a result, this type of behavior carried on to many business endeavors. I had tendency to 1) Treat people good, 2) Not Clearly define their role, 3) Leave them to figure themselves out, and 4) Ultimately create insecurity where they would cut side deals to preserve their place.
This ultimately led to numerous people doing things behind my back. It is easy to say, “People should be straight forward and not operate in the shadows.”
When I did not receive the emotional confirmations I needed I would emotionally detach. I would seek others to validate me and justify it because the people closest to me didn’t validate me. I thought it was someone else’s fault for making me feel terrible. This included my former spouse.
The truth is…can you blame them?
YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOME PART OF THE BLAME
People cannot absorb blame. It is easy to say, “He stole from me so it is his entire fault.” There is no excuse for theft; however, there is reason to assign some “part” of the blame to the victim.
What was your failure in not identifying the character trait of a thief?
What was your failure in not placing yourself in a vulnerable position?
What was your failure in not qualifying where to put your trust?
The answers must be objective. There needs to be real growth. There cannot be a blanket statement to say, “Anyone like them I must avoid”. This is running away. Blanket statements are the lazy way to not make your mind work.
Stop being lazy.
Criticisms need to be objective, constructive and lead to modifications. These actions need to enable you to work with people properly.
For instance, my previous partner was an awesome friend. The truth was I never wanted her as a wife or spouse. If I did we would have a wedding album. We don’t. She was many good things. To someone else she has high value as a wife. To me she did not. This is not meant to degrade or demote her. This is simply identifying the honest statement, “She wasn’t meant for me.”
That’s okay. I am not meant for everyone. There is a reason you marry one person. It is not a form of insult to say, “This person has great worth but no value to me.”
At this point in my life I probably have little to no value to her. I am okay with that.
Value is determined by the market in which the product is sold. The worth of the product has nothing to do with the value.
For even a piece of gold has no value to someone despite the fact its intrinsic worth is high.
DEFINING ALL RELATIONSHIPS IS ESSENTIAL TO SUCCESS
You cannot be successful without clear definitions. You cannot live one way personally and pull off success in business. It is impossible for a person to create an alter ego in business. Eventually your true self will surface.
You must be consistent as a friend, a sibling, a parent, a business person and a spouse. There is no in between. Anything else means you are a hypocrite to yourself and others.
This is harsh but it is the truth. I was an unknowing hypocrite. Imagine that? Someone who despised hypocrisy was at one time a hypocrite themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow but you must swallow it. I did. There is no pride. You gain nothing by denying which is true. You must embrace the truth so you can become what you were meant to.
An awesome person.
There is nothing more important than how you treat those close to you. There is nothing more important than how you define your closest relationships. You cannot fail to define your most important personal relationships but think business relationships will blossom. Becoming a trusted confidant starts at home. Your home carries on to business.
If you want to close a deal start with those in your personal life first. Start with your spouse, than your child, and move out after that. Trust must be preserved in all faucets of your life; not just the ones you think earn you money. I hope this helps you. This view has propelled me to heights I didn’t realize I could reach. It’s easy to show successes.
The truth is the failures make you the success everyone envies.
To your knowledge success!
About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Entrepreneur. Christopher has opened over 7 businesses in his 14-year career. Christopher’s purpose is to take advantage of various market-driven opportunities. Christopher is a certified Master Project Manager (MPM), Master Financial Planner (MFP) and Accredited Financial Analyst (AFA). Christopher previously held his Series 65 securities license examination. Christopher also has his General Lines — Life, Accident, Health & HMO. Christopher has managed a combined 286mm USD in reported Assets Under Management & Assets Under Advisement. Christopher has work experience in 29 countries, raised over 50mm USD for various businesses, and grossed over 8.0mm in his personal career. Christopher worked in the highly technical industries of: biotechnology, finance, securities, manufacturing, real estate, and residential mortgages. Christopher is a United States Air Force Veteran. Christopher has a passion for family, competitive sports, fishing, martial arts and advocacy for entrepreneurs. Christopher provides self-help classes for up-and-coming entrepreneurs. Christopher’s passion to mentor comes from belief that entrepreneurs need guidance. The world is full of conflicting information about entrepreneur identity. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.
Disclaimer: This information is not meant to be a form of investment advice or financial advice. Do not apply this situation to your own personal circumstance. Various risks include: business risk, investment risk, political risk, and other risks. This information is for informational and educational purposes only. Please do not reach out to the author for any investment strategies or philosophies. Please consult your own financial advisor or legal advisor for your own circumstance. Not a recommendation or endorsement of any kind.